Tips for Supporting Your Friends who are TTC

Discover tips for supporting your friends who are trying to conceive as well as information for how to handle it when everyone around you is getting pregnant.

Be there.

Be sensitive when sharing personal advice.

If you haven't personally struggled with infertility, it can be difficult for your friend to relate right now, especially if you have kids of your own. However, you can definitely empathize. This means, instead of starting a sentence with "just" or "at least", acknowledge their pain. Let them know it's ok to feel the way they feel. Remind them that they have a community of people who are there for them, and rooting for them. While simply listening is extremely helpful, validating their feelings can go a long way. And while you may not personally understand exactly how they feel, you love them as a friend and are there every step of the way.

Allow time.

If your friend seems distant, it may be because it's hard for them to connect or because they are overwhelmed with the challenges and emotions that accompany infertility. It does not mean your friend loves you any less, it may just mean they need time to work through their feelings. Allow them the space and time they need to be with their feelings and work through family-building on their own. Your friend knows you are there, whenever they are ready.

Grieve, if you need to.

Perhaps you always pictured becoming pregnant together with your friend and taking pictures together with your matching baby bumps. Perhaps you talked about your kids growing up together and being best friends. The loss of this reality is hard for your friend, but it is OK if you are grieving this reality as well. Allow yourself the grace and time you need to be sad and process your feelings.

Their partner is hurting too.

In many cases infertility is experienced as a couple. They are also grappling with complicated feelings and need support. If it is a male partner, often they do not have as many outlets or sounding boards to work through their own grief as their female counterparts do. It’s important to recognize the full impact of grief and needed support of the people you care about who may be impacted.

When your friends are getting pregnant, and you're not:

It can be a challenging time when all it feels like is everyone around you is glowing with their newly announced pregnancies, yet you still yearn for a baby in your arms. Remember:

You're allowed to set boundaries.

This looks different for everyone. For some, it can be choosing to not host a baby shower, but still attend. For others, being surrounded by baby items and diapers feels overwhelmingly sad, and they may choose to respond "no" to these invitations. You may also need space from family members who are constantly asking when you plan to get pregnant. Whatever boundaries feel healthy for you, recognize that your mental health matters, and know that you can still be a good friend while setting healthy expectations for yourself.

Be honest.

Talk with your spouse, partner, or a therapist about the feelings you are having while struggling to conceive. It is natural to feel sad, disappointed, confused, heartbroken, mad, etc about infertility. If you feel comfortable, even share with your friends that you're going through a difficult time and that it's hard to be around others who are pregnant. They may not realize the struggles you are going through and may choose to be more empathetic moving forward if they better understand your feelings.

Give yourself grace.

We don’t talk about Bruno, or pregnancy symptoms.

The reality is that your friend’s life, body and well, everything is changing. This is likely an all-consuming topic for them. One that may be extremely triggering for you or anyone who is struggling to become (or stay) pregnant. So, what do you do when the topic inevitably comes up? Be honest. Let your friend know that this is hard for you and because it is a painful subject and it’s best to shift the conversation to something else.

Take a social media detox.

There are peaks and valleys to grief. Meet yourself where you are in that moment. If you are in a place where pregnancy announcements, baby pictures, and bump photos feel like emotional darts straight to your heart. It may be time for a social media detox. Social media can be a landmine of triggers. Ask yourself, is “the scroll” causing more sadness than joy? If so, it’s OK to unplug and take a detox from it all until you feel like you are in a better place.

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Tips for Supporting Your Friends who are TTC

When your friends are getting pregnant, and you're not:

Infertility & Relationships

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RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association